Watanabe or Toru, he is a lot like me, or I am like him. Both of us are deep thinkers. Besides that, we both lost a lot and hurt. Luckily, he ended up happy while I am still mending from my wound. I fell in love once, as Watanabe did. It was five years ago from now, but it feels like if it was a long time ago. She was my English tutor. She has golden blond hair, a lovely smile, a good sense of humor, and very very beautiful green eyes. I loved her the moment we met. I used to think we would live together forever. She loved me deeply, and I knew that.
Even though our love was not mature enough, it was full of passion. After we were separated by distance, all kinds of influences pressured me to get away from her. The lesson is never involve other people into your relationship even though they are your family and your close friends. It’s your life, and it should be your choice. The plan was she go first, and I will go after a year. However, it didn’t happen as we wanted. As soon as she left, I got depressed. I couldn’t be happy anymore. Too many thoughts came to my mind. I was not sure that the school would accept me as well. I became more and more miserable. She is there, and I was here. I would think I haven’t deserved her. No one loved me like her before. Of course, my parents loved me, but I never heard the “I Love You” words from my parents. I think this is an Asian thing that doesn’t express their feelings by words. My past was too strong to accept such a charity. I hold myself back and cut out our relationship. I left in my memories of my childhood, and my comfort zone. I loved her, but I didn’t choose her. I broke her and as well as myself. It is hurting me even in the moment now I’m writing it.
I suffered a lot, and I knew she suffered more than me, for she loved me so much. Then the time passed, I thought I would forget her, and start new life. but, that didn’t happen. I tried to date with different girls, but I really didn’t fall in love with them. Years later, I saw her picture with her husband, smiles on her face, and she was full of life. I felt frosty piece of ices deep inside my wounded heart. It was as if some sharp thing slicing through my feelings. I thought to myself that is what you get. Anyway, Norwegian Wood brought my old memories and helped me realized how lucky I was. Now, I don’t know when I will fall in love again. They say it happens only once or twice in a lifetime. Maybe I never fall in love again. I don’t know. I don’t expect anything from life. But one thing for sure is that I will never make the same mistake again. If that happens, if I fall in love again – I will hold her tight and never let her go. I will do everything I can do to stay together. But for now, when sunsets, and nightfall comes, my loneliness is the only companion I have. Where is my Midori?
I listen to Forget Me Not by Honne after you read Norwegian Wood. Such a pleasure.
Updated by Ulzii, September 23rd, 2020